Sex drive, or libido, naturally rises and falls with age, health, stress and the stage of a relationship. Low desire is only a problem if it bothers you or causes strain between you and your partner. Mismatched desire, when one partner wants sex more often than the other, is something many couples face at some point. Counselling can help you understand what is going on and find a way forward that works for both of you.
Possible causes of low desire
Low libido rarely has a single cause. The NHS lists:
- relationship problems and conflict that hasn’t been resolved;
- stress, anxiety or depression;
- pregnancy, a new baby and the tiredness that comes with it;
- menopause and changes in hormone levels with age;
- some medicines, including some for blood pressure and depression, and hormonal contraception;
- drinking too much alcohol;
- other sexual problems, such as erection difficulties or pain;
- long-term conditions such as diabetes, heart disease, an underactive thyroid or cancer.
Everyday life matters too. A lack of privacy at home, long working hours, caring for children and elders, and an unequal load of housework can all leave little room for desire.
When to see a doctor
See a doctor if low desire started suddenly, began after a new medicine or contraception, hasn’t returned after pregnancy, or comes with other symptoms such as tiredness, weight change, hot flushes or pain. Never stop or change a medicine without talking to your doctor first.
How counselling helps
On your own
- understanding what lowers and what raises your desire, without blame;
- working through stress, low mood, body image worries or past experiences;
- learning that for many people desire is responsive: it often appears once closeness has begun, rather than arriving out of nowhere beforehand.
As a couple
Mismatched desire can easily become a painful cycle. One partner asks and feels rejected; the other feels pressured and pulls further away. Couple counselling can help you:
- talk about sex without blame or keeping score;
- separate affection from the expectation of sex, so that touch feels safe again;
- agree on ways to make time and privacy for closeness;
- try sensate focus, a step-by-step set of touch exercises that takes the pressure off;
- deal with resentment from other parts of the relationship, such as chores, money or in-laws, which often shows up in the bedroom.
Some people experience little or no sexual attraction and are content that way. That isn’t a disorder. Counselling can help partners find an arrangement that respects both of them.
Sessions are conversations in clinical, non-explicit language, and any exercises are done privately at home.
Things couples can try now
- Talk at a neutral time. Conversations about sex go better over a walk or a cup of tea than in bed straight after a refusal.
- Start with curiosity, not complaints. Ask what helps your partner feel close and relaxed, and share your own answer.
- Make room for affection without expectation. A hug or holding hands shouldn’t always have to lead somewhere.
- Look at the load. If one partner is exhausted by work, children and housework, sharing the load more fairly can matter more than any technique.
- Protect some private time. In a busy or shared home, planning time together isn’t unromantic; it is often the only way it happens.
Your first session
A counsellor will ask how long things have felt this way, what has changed, your health and any medicines, and how it is affecting each of you. If you come as a couple, they will make sure both of you are heard, and may also see each of you alone once. Questions are asked in plain, clinical language, and you can say when you would rather not answer. You should leave with a clearer picture and a first small step to try.
How many sessions?
It varies. A few sessions may be enough to ease pressure and improve communication. Where depression, past trauma or long-standing conflict is involved, support usually takes a few months. Your counsellor will review progress with you.
After a baby
Pregnancy and having a baby are among the causes of low desire that the NHS lists, and they can affect both parents. Healing, broken sleep, feeding and the demands of a newborn leave little energy, and some couples feel they have become only parents. Give yourselves time, but if desire hasn’t returned after many months, or comes with low mood, talk to your doctor and consider counselling, together or alone.
Online sessions and privacy
Low libido counselling works well online. For a couple session, one of you books and invites the other, and you join the same video room, from one place or two. Receipts say “Counselling session”, and these services are for adults only. Profiles show each provider’s gender, languages and fee.
Related help
See our sexual health page for who to see, couple counselling for how joint sessions work, and depression counselling if low mood is part of the picture. After childbirth, our page on postpartum depression may help.
When to get urgent help
If low mood has become hopelessness, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, call Tele-MANAS on 14416, free and at any time, or 112 in an emergency. If you are being pressured or forced into sex, that is not a desire problem; it is a safety problem. Women can call the free Women Helpline 181 at any time.
