What divorce counselling is, and what it isn’t
Divorce counselling is emotional and practical support around separation. It can help you decide whether to separate, cope with the feelings that come with it, and plan how to look after your children. It can be for one person, or for both partners together. It can also help you prepare emotionally for mediation or court dates.
It is not legal advice. For questions about the legal process, custody, maintenance or property, speak to a family lawyer. If your case is in a family court, the court has its own process too: under the Family Courts Act, 1984, a family court must first try to help the two sides reach a settlement, and courts can have their own counsellors. That is separate from private counselling.
When divorce counselling can help
- You are unsure whether to stay or separate, and keep going round in circles.
- Your partner has said they want to leave, and you feel shocked or lost.
- You feel grief, anger, guilt or shame, or worry about what family and society will say.
- You are separated and finding it hard to rebuild your life.
- You need to tell your parents, in-laws or children, and don’t know how.
- You and your ex-partner keep fighting over the children.
- You worry about repeating old patterns in a new relationship.
Deciding whether to separate
If one partner wants to work on the marriage and the other is leaning towards leaving, a counsellor can help both of you get clear on what you each want, without pressure to decide either way. Sometimes this leads to couples therapy; sometimes to a calmer, more respectful separation. Both are reasonable outcomes. Our couples therapy page explains how joint sessions work.
Helping children through a divorce
Children usually cope better when they are told the truth in simple words suited to their age, kept out of adult arguments, and reassured that it isn’t their fault. Try not to ask them to carry messages between you or to choose sides. They need routine, and they need to keep a loving relationship with both parents wherever it is safe.
Signs a child may need extra support include changes in sleep or appetite, falling marks, withdrawal, clinginess, anger, or blaming themselves. A parent can book sessions for a child under 18 with a provider who works with children; see our child psychologist page.
Co-parenting after separation
Co-parenting means raising your children together while living apart. Counselling can help you agree on a plan for routines, schooling, festivals and holidays, and how you will communicate. When conflict is high, some parents use a more separate style, called parallel parenting, with very limited contact between the adults. Our parenting counselling page has more support.
Together or alone?
You can come on your own, or with your partner in a couple session. On Mindara, some providers offer couple sessions where your partner joins the same video or audio call from their own free account. Joint sessions are not safe or suitable if one partner is afraid of the other, or if there has been violence or abuse. In that case, individual sessions are the right place to start. Some people also find a few sessions on their own helpful after joint sessions end, to make sense of what has happened.
Looking after yourself through a separation
Separation often brings grief, along with anger, relief, guilt and fear, sometimes all in one day. A few things help:
- Keep simple routines for sleep, meals and some movement, even when you don’t feel like it.
- Lean on two or three people you trust, and tell them what kind of support you want.
- Put off big decisions you don’t have to make yet.
- Prepare a short answer for relatives and neighbours who ask questions. You decide how much to share.
- Take a break from your ex-partner’s social media.
There is no timetable for feeling better. Our article grief does not follow a timetable may help.
How many sessions, and online or in person?
Some people want a few sessions around a decision or a crisis; others find it helpful to have support for a few months while their life changes. Online sessions work well, and many people prefer them because they can talk from home without being seen at a clinic.
Choosing a provider and cost
Look for experience with couples, relationships, separation or parenting. Fees are shown on each provider’s card below, and some providers offer eligible new clients a free first session for one-to-one sessions. If the strain affects the wider family, see family counselling. If you feel very low for weeks, it is worth talking to a professional about depression too.
When to get urgent help
If you or your children are in danger, call 112. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call Tele-MANAS on 14416 (free, 24×7). See our crisis resources for more help.
